


That's Pee on the Carpet

by saunatonttu



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humour, Modern AU, arete is garon's wife yes, that feel when you find your neighbour in your living room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 15:48:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14897432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saunatonttu/pseuds/saunatonttu
Summary: There's a cat whose name is Sasuke. Its mission is to ruin lives.Specifically, Garon and Sumeragi's.





	That's Pee on the Carpet

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday, Em! (There is nothing IC about this fic. I love it.)

Walking in on your new neighbour tiptoeing in your living room where your oldest son was holding a cat to his chest and crying was, if you wanted to go for an understatement, unexpected. If Garon hadn’t been attending his AA meetings on regular basis and with relative success, he might have thought that he was drunk, that had had accidentally poured vodka in his glass at work instead of water.

Fortunately for himself, he was as sober as he could be. However, that meant that Sumeragi, his new neighbour, had truly broken into his apartment somehow and was glaring at the cat Xander held onto like it was his last lifeline against this foe.

“Well, this certainly is a strange introduction,” Garon grumbled, and Sumeragi had the decency to look sheepish when he turned to look at him. What a strange man. He had heard quite a few stories from Arete already, but…

“That would be my cat,” Sumeragi explained, expression sombre and a tad annoyed. “My family’s cat, I mean. That little dastard keeps entering other people’s apartments through the balconies.”

Garon squinted, and Xander quieted down. The boy still did not let go of the cat, though; instead, he seemed to hold onto the poor creature tighter, his face buried into the fur.

Garon could not help but think how lucky it was that Xander wasn’t allergic. The poor boy was sickly enough as it was, especially since Katarina’s passing.

“How does your cat keep doing that?” Garon asked, staring at Sumeragi and his ridiculous mane of hair that might just reach his waist. Then again, Sumeragi was a short man. The toned arms just gave a misleading image of him. And the fact that he wore an entirely too small shirt. “I’d think you had a lock on your balcony door by now.”

“My children are creatures of mischief,” Sumeragi said with the tone of a parent who had seen entirely too much in the past three or so months. Garon could somewhat relate, having far too many toddlers and kids around for his sanity. “They let Sasuke on the balcony regardless of my wishes. As does my wife.”

“…You named your cat Sasuke?” Garon suppressed a shudder, thinking on the days he had been forced to endure _Naruto_ and _Naruto Shippuuden_ with Xander and Katarina. Those days he would never get back. Garon raised his hand to his ever-thinning hair, rubbing at the back of his head with an irritated huff. _You need to stop doing that_ , both the doctor and Arete had told him more than once, as if it was any worse than his drinking.

Sumeragi shrugged, the kind of crooked smile tugging at his mouth that made Garon’s frown deepen as he didn’t understand the amusement in the man’s situation. “My kids _really_ love anime. It was either that or SpongeBob. Squidward would probably be the best name for the little a-“

Garon cleared his throat, casting a meaningful look towards his oldest son.

“-the little angel,” Sumeragi relented, gritting his teeth. His expression soothed when Xander peered at him, less cautiously now. “Hey there, kiddo. I’m your neighbour – sorry for startling you.”

Xander looked up at Garon, who nodded reassuringly. “You can let the cat go, Xander.”

After sending a hesitant look at the other adult in the room, Xander bent down to let the cat go free. Sumeragi froze. “Oh, don’t let go of hi-“

But it was too late: Sasuke’s paws hit the hard floor and the creature scampered away instantly, like it had been waiting for this chance.

“Shit!” Sumeragi’s curse boomed across the entire apartment, and Garon grimaced at the scandalized gasp Xander let out at the bad word Garon had been weeding out from his own vocabulary little by little, with a few accidents scattered between bad days.

“Father, he said—”

“That little shithead,” Sumeragi grumbled, and Garon saw Xander’s eyes widen further.

“Sumeragi,” Garon said, thinking _if that is your name_ , “I’m almost curious if your kids have learned vocabulary as vast as yours.”

But Sumeragi wasn’t listening anymore as he had already sprinted after the furry creature.

Somewhere in the apartment, a baby started crying.

Leo.

“Fucking hell,” Garon muttered, this time failing to see the wide-eyed look his son gave him.

 

*

 

Arete, as expected of her, gave Sumeragi a swift kick in the back of his kneecap upon her arrival. “Mikoto has been calling me, wondering where you were,” she offered as an explanation before sauntering off to the kitchen like nothing had happened. (Moments like these reminded Garon that he did indeed have a type. Katarina had been… well. Fierce. If her throwing his clothes out of their apartment the first time they had broken up suggested anything.)

“I told her I went to look for the cat,” Sumeragi groaned, holding his knee, face twisted in pain. Garon, not much known for his sympathy, patted him on the back.

“Text message? You know she’s awful with her phone, you hairy horse,” Arete’s voice rang from the kitchen, slightly irritated but also amused. “You’ve been married for how long now?”

“Two months,” Sumeragi said proudly.

“It’s been six months since your previous wife was buried. You move on at the speed of an African feline.”

“Your wife’s words are like kitchen knives,” Sumeragi mourned to Garon, who couldn’t help but chuckle at this exchange. “How do you do it, Garon? I only met you now, and I already admire your tenacity.”

“Masochism,” Arete answered for him.

 

*

 

Sasuke, the cat, was an asshole. It was the first sentiment he could agree fully with Sumeragi – perhaps the only one they shared asides from Sumeragi’s comment about Arete’s sharp tongue. It took about an hour and fifteen minutes and the first scent of cat piss to convince Garon of this fact.

“I _told_ you,” Sumeragi muttered to him. “The little thing’s a devil in disguise. The first thing it did was piss on my finest shoes.”

Garon glanced down at Sumeragi’s bare feet. “You mean, _all_ your shoes.”

“Same difference.”

“Buy some shoes, Sumeragi. You look like a fool.” Garon shouldn’t be saying anything, considering Xander, Camilla, and Arete had bought him the SpongeBob socks currently on his feet. They made his feet look like cheese.

Garon _hated_ cheese.

“For Sasuke to piss on? I think not.” Garon had learned that Sumeragi was a determined stay-at-home father. A very _literal_ stay-at-home father. And yet he stayed fit. Garon wondered how the laws of nature could be so fucked up, considering he did try to jog twice a week. When he could.

It had been a few weeks since the last time, admittedly. And ham was so delicious. And Katarina was dead, and there was only so much Arete’s singing could do to soothe the despair in Garon.

Anyway.

The cat was a menace.

When they finally caught it, Garon was sure he caught a shit-eating grin on that feline face. The many hours spent on watching _Naruto_ flashed behind his eyes. The knowledge of Sasuke Uchiha and the shit he was up to for most the series was too much (although, at the same time, completely relatable).

“This cat destroys lives,” Garon told Sumeragi, who was struggling to hold the pale-furred little devil in his scratched arms. Garon saw drops of blood. Sumeragi didn’t appear to give a shit.

“And now he’s a part of yours, my friend.” Sumeragi smiled the kind of smile that made Garon think of opening that spare bottle of vodka hidden in the bedroom. “Better get used to it, Garon, my man.”

“No thanks.”

“You have literally no choice in the matter.”

And to his horror, Garon realized Sumeragi was right. He didn’t.

 

*

 

The next day, Garon woke up to a threatening meow coming from the room adjacent to his and Arete’s.

 _Not my problem before noon_ , he thought and turned to his side.


End file.
